I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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