I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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