Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I smell stomach acid.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
