i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
NoShamevember. You game?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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