Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
