After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
