I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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