There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
