Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
