I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I made him laugh his dick is mine
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
