It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Someone stole a lamp last night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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