Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I still have a little drunk in my system
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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