why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
