I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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