Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
