Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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