Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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