Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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