And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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