Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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