Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
