So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
