I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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