I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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