Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
