Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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