New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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