As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
