Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
