i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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