i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
