I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
When are your genitals available?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
