i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Two words: blizzard sex
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
