i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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