I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
