Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
