I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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