theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
