my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Can Purell be used as lube?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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