hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
