he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
