8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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