i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
