i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
