I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I could make wine with my vomit
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
