I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
