she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
