So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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