Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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