Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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