craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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